The happiest and healthiest life is the most multifaceted. That's what I've always believed, even if I revere more than anyone those who specialize in a certain body of thought or field and have the ultimate scholarship and expertise in their area. I was driving my sister to school yesterday morning during an introspective attack, and I guess now that I'm well again (yay!), my mind is in hyperactive mode and needs to be calmed down so that it can actually focus more on studying and less on thinking about all the possibilities in the future. I annoy myself with how much I delve into it, so it must get tiring to read all the manifestations of my never-ending introspection.
It just feels like there are too many facets of this world to explore for me to simply become complacent doing one thing. I have my goal set and, as far as I know, it's sticking, but I can't be anywhere outside of class without questioning whether or not I'll be happy in the future. I don't know why I feel so rushed, either... there's so much to take in. There's an immense amount of reading to do in history, needless to say, as well as writing, so I need to calm it down and absorb instead of evoke so many situations. Lately, some of the subjects and fields I've always had a deep appreciation for have been calling for me again, such as political science and economics... and I think about how I'd have more of a direct type involvement with those fields instead of just doing research that will end up being revised and shelved with everyone else's findings, but the careers of each just aren't for me. I love, love, love discussing political and economic theory and material beyond the fundamentals of each, but I don't want to become a lawyer, broker, statistician, financial analyst, etc. And studying much of history pretty much encompasses both, so I guess I chose the winner's route in my head. I just don't want to feel like I missed out on so much that I would have loved and contributed to for something in which I could end up being mediocre. I get apprehensive thinking about how much research could impact my livelihood in the future, and my writing skills academically never felt up to par; I feel like I write better here, but it's not like this matters for those who want to employ me or be my colleagues. The only solution I have in my head is to get over it and and start reading, interpreting, and writing until those are practically the only verbs I can correctly execute anymore.
I was also starting to deeply regret changing my broadcasting concentration to a speech communication concentration for my mass communications major, but it seems that the administration never actually made the switch, so I have nothing to really worry about. What made me switch was the thought that speech communication would be a great supplement to a future professor, but advantageous as it could be, I feel like I'm not doing myself much justice as a double-major and picking up a true back-up plan for all the debt I'll have to generate in the future. My speaking skills already thankfully impress, but I know they pale in comparison to how I can write, and obviously, I'm not entirely confident in that either. I'm just afraid of not being distinct and respectable, and so I go into this deep-thought funk about how I can fix that before it's too late, and I realize that a certificate or degree for my speech won't do much, so I'm not going to go for that.
The other reason I switched the concentration at the end of last semester was because, as someone who changed from business administration to mass communications, with most classes not exactly correlating, I felt like I was being dumped with a lot of radio bias because of my professor who manages the college's station instead of exploring all the mediums first. He's incredible and I only hope I can make it to the same level of expertise and experience as him in my future academic career, so he's not the problem, but instead the atmosphere I feel when I'm around people who are in the broadcasting track and involved in the college's radio station. There's also a problem regarding my activity with the station, and that's my personal setback of saying I'm going to do something, but chickening out a lot. This is a big issue when it comes to something that involves a lot of people, not just myself. It even trickles down to individual promises; if I have a lot of time to get to it, I will most likely use all of it before fulfilling what someone else wants. That's the only time I don't rush, sadly. If it contains a large group, I feel less motivated to act unless I'm the leader and I know more than everyone else. The only school clubs I've been involved in have consisted of me saying I'd get to something, then be half-assed or even cop out, and it's shameful. The reason I've been that way is because they've all been recreational and nothing significant, but I don't want that to be indicative of behavior for real projects in the future nor representative of me not being able to keep my word and be accountable. I'm too stuck in my own mind and motives. I could write a novel about this issue, and I practically have with all these entries in which I've questioned myself, but it has to get to a point where it's just enough. Where I act. Where I'm happy. Where I don't feel like I'm missing out and don't have to feel like I need full control.
Along with the radio bias, I got an opportunity to sit in front of a staff meeting for a pretty well-known and high-audience radio station around the region. It was very awkward and unprofessional, since they had to pretend that there wasn't a small auditorium of people listening to them go about their operations, but did so in all the wrong ways. They weren't speaking into the microphone most of the time, they didn't seem very astute, one of them was shamelessly texting and chewing gum in front of us while the rest of the panel was laughing about how he does it in all the meetings, and it was way too laid back for my liking. I don't even listen to the radio stations around here very often, as they honestly consists of very ordinary people talking about the most asinine topics and not expressing themselves very well. I learn nothing and just wait for music to play. I think all of this frustration would go away if I didn't live in a place that was so fucking quiet and full of people who just don't seem to move at a mobile pace like I want to. I clearly wasn't an adult back then and didn't have all these worries, but had I been able to stay in New York, I don't think I would have developed into this neurotic person whom I feel I am. I'd feel like everything was at my disposal and that all of my actions wouldn't just be time fillers, such as driving to my job of the routine assets protection for five hours each shift, four days a week. I wouldn't have to sit in class with material that I'm interested in but that almost no one else seems to care about, thus making me virtually (or sometimes actually) the only person in the class participating. I know I'm privileged to live in a nice house now (despite all the problems that just having moved here caused and still causes), have my own car, go to a university, etc., but just having those is not what should make someone happy, so I resent when people feel that one should act complacent just by virtue of having these standard parts of life in an industrialized society. No. I won't live here forever, I won't continue having most of my days in silence out of lack of enthusiasm for anything being discussed, and I won't feel like I'm not enough in whatever I take part in.
Journalism keeps coming back to me too, which is why I'm sticking with broadcasting. I'll be taking television classes in due time, though I fear that if I decide to go into journalism instead of academia, I'd either become a writer for a struggling online publication or one of those annoying-as-all-motherfucking-Hell morning show anchors who smiles at everything, says a sentence or two about sad news, and then gives about five minutes of attention to a story about some animal that can do a cool trick. There's always radio, too, but you'd have to have something always on hand instead of reading from a teleprompter. College radio isn't usually that serious, though. Most people do music shows because it's easiest, and I'll probably start with the same format just to get used to the radio setting, then alternate it at any time I choose to. Too many options, really...
This is basically a list that could grow as long as it needs to that touches on what I want in a life that would give me some sense of fulfillment:
-Mastery of the languages I know (Spanish and English) in written and oral form. I fare well with both, I think, especially in comparison to a vast amount of people in my demographic, but not enough for my own standards.
-At least relative financial security. Striving to be a professor is pretty much aiming for middle class at the very most, and I don't mind that. I would prefer comfort over luxury when it comes to assets, especially if what I have won't take from what I do and love.
-An emotionally sound life without children, preferably with someone whom I'd know as the love of my life. This one's hard for me to admit, because as self-sufficient as I've made myself and am proud to be, I know how much I want motivation and exclusive love from someone who'd be there for me for many years. And I'm not trying to offend the cool LJ moms who are friends with me by barring children, but I swear that as I spend every day inside and outside of my house, I can't deal with the thought of having lifelong dependents. My little brother and sister are the closest I'll come to having children, in a great sense, as I've spent a lot of time educating them and helping them develop, and that's more than enough for me.
-A name in my career. As it looks right now, it will have to be through prowess in teaching (university), speech (conferences), and writing (research).
-Dynamic work experience. Being only 21 and having worked since I was 16, I've only had experience in retail as a cashier, an electronics employee, an assets protection specialist (my current job at the time of this entry's submission), and a houseman in hospitality. Not exactly what I'm putting in my future CV, but being in each position has shown me a lot, and before I go off to possibly be in school for the rest of my life, I want some more fields to test. I will pretty much have to get a second job once the weather becomes nicer again anyway, since my hours are set at 20 and can't really increase unless undesirable events for someone else happen. Don't really want to go into meaningless part-time work affairs here.
-Some sort of community involvement, which also helps me become more extroverted and speak to more people who aren't like me. I mentioned the Monroe County Historical Association before, but I hadn't gotten an e-mail from them and I think I'll visit them next week and talk... it's just that with all the studying and reading I have to do this semester, I have to use my free time to keep up.
And speaking of, with the fact that I finally got all of this out of my mind, I really should get to that. As is the case most of the time anymore, this entry was more for my reflection. I appreciate you reading all of this if you did, but as it should be 100% of the time, there is no obligation to comment. I'm only saying that because I feel like I've written these types of entry too many times now. It's my own journal and this is clearly what it's for, but maybe it's just the fact that I'm getting sick of feeling this way that makes me feel sick of documenting that.
Time to go. Here's a beautiful song that encapsulates how I'm feeling.