I haven't been on the Internet for two days (oh my God...I could manage that!?), since I've been out, out, and even more out these past days. So, maybe I'll have the fifth and sixth-day entries ready by tomorrow, and if not, then...eventually. /too lazy to type it up now

( Day four. )

This one's not as long, don't worry! It's not really as exciting either, though.

( Day three. )

Well, I figured it’d be fun to actually recollect my ~Dominican~ adventure in different segments while I'm here in paradise. And, of course, by segments, I mean possibly overly descriptive and unnecessary re-tellings of everything I’ve gone through, in true Dorian style. This entry will contain the happenings of the night I left for the hotel to the morning I took the airplane here/day I got here as well.

So, vamos empenzar.

( Day one. )

LOL @ this being asked about a week ago. I'm going to combine the two Writer's Blocks that stood out to me the most into one entry. Anyway, I can barely stand my current job. I'm just a cashier in a retail grocery, and I could have it far worse, I know, but coping with the same idiotic and rude types of people all the time gets very tiring. I know I don't live in Hick Central, but sometimes it seems that way. Most of the people who cross through my doors are so damn trashy and unintelligent. It's always the same damn thing. "Oh, you've been waiting for me!? Hahaha!" I'm sick of the same lines, the same old men with giant guts and suspenders being used with T-shirts purchasing millions of cans of soda. Soda is bought a million times more than a book, and seeing that sold is rare. I step inside of my job and put up the front that I'm really happy to be there, and it works unbelievably well the the customers - hell, I'm the most well-received person in the front end. I get the best and the most positive comments, but I'm not appreciated by the managers there. They really don't care for me, and there's barely rapport with them. Every single day, I get more cynical because of how unbelievably primitive and rude people are, but I can't talk back to them. I'm good at hiding things, and I'm quite the actor, so I work well with what I have. I could say so much more, believe me, but I'm just not in the mood. All I know is that I've never hated a company more than the one I work for, and I'm not sure I will in the future either. I'm sick of being in a place I know I don't belong in. I would quit, but I have bills to pay. I would find another job, but I have to do that after my vacation, so that I have even more experience, and more money. I'm hoping to go into clothing next, and I would die if I could work at a bookstore (Borders, please!).

All I know is that I'm going to try to never get a job where I have to hear "Paper and plastic."



China III. It's a Chinese restaurant that's right next to my store. I go there every Wednesday with soldier_of_zaft, and frostbittenx or blackheart_dove whenever they're able to hop around. I order one thing: small chicken fried rice, without onions. It's customary, and I sometimes cheat my oh-so healthy diet by visiting the place more than once a week. It's a family store, and they are such hard workers, and I really do love seeing them. The young guy at the front is pretty cool with me, and I think what may be his girlfriend or sister is SO UNBELIEVABLY FUCKING ADORABLE! I just want to have a little version of her in my pocket! <3 She's SO cute. I never leave the place without saying goodbye, or telling them to have a nice day. I won't get hefty either; I always work those calories off, or limit my diet if I've eaten their [amazing] chicken fried rice. I love them SO much. Before I go off to transfer to [most likely] IUP, I'm going to go over there and thank them for their business and their amazing food. They're so lovely.

That is all.

The problem with me is that I don't look for guidance. I usually rely on myself, because I believe in my first instinct, and learning from it if it was wrong. That usually creates stress (like I've undergone recently about the whole college class-drop affair), but things usually turn positive after a while. If not, I just work my way up again. There's always a way to circumvent any problem, I believe.

I just don't look for any help doing it. I almost don't know how to.

Firstly, I'm so hurt right now, LJ. I suggested a question like this! Bawwwwwww. I suppose someone worded it a bit more articulately than I have. Oh, well. I actually didn't want to post this yesterday, because I gave my journal a little break from the longer entries I've been posting, but it stuck on my mind all day. I mean, to the point where I got up at midnight and decided to start writing in this nice little journal that was in my room, to create my answer for this! So, I will post it in a quoted format, because I was essentially writing an essay to my younger self.

"Stop being so goddamn insecure. You're a boy that's so unbelievably well-rounded, but because you can't bring yourself to connect with another person fully due to your paranoia and stupid fears, you'll find that you will never be happy. You may find yourself being content or satisfied, but is that what you really want? To be "okay," even when you know you're way beyond that?

You could change so much, trust me, but you need to relax and figure out how to harness what you know you have. Also, you should be more proactive. Learn to stick up for yourself, and stop being so afraid of controversy. You're going to have to face it way later on in your life. Stand up for what you believe in. Don't hesitate to take that risky step. Why were you so afraid to ask your parents for a measly $15 to join FBLA? Just because you accepted money from them the week before, and would feel too guilty and vulnerable if they helped you out? It's just $15, and you have no idea how much it would have helped your future. Don't be like me. Join those extra-curricular activities. Try out for tennis when you're a sophomore. Exercise every day, and don't tell yourself that just because you're thin, you can afford to eat more, because you'll just be starting that cycle of physical insecurity all over again. It's at this age where it matters.

Stop claiming passions, and don't be pretentious either. You have such an eye for hidden beauty, and such an artistic and beautiful vision, but let go of photography. That way, you won't be crushed by the realities that you're trying to avoid. It's a shameful life, your limited one, but did you think that you could really do anything if you set your mind to it? You fucking idiot. You're wasting that great mind of yours by doing what you want to do. You know this world has generally never been the one to make you feel happy or comfortable, so you think that's going to change when you're older? Newsflash: it's not.

You spend so much time learning pointless things, and you know you won't be able to feel achieved as a person. Ever. Something will always be missing: a special guy, a friend who shares the same feelings of aspiration and worry that you do to the fullest extent, or the drive you've been looking for all your life, the one that will be everlasting.

I can't believe, that even today, you value yourself in a way that you don't allow others to, and then get bitter when they don't. You could have the greatest mind in a room, the highest level of intuition, the best artistic vision, or the most reason and warmth, but what do you really have to show for it at the end of the day? You go to bed every night and make up a future for yourself, because you're unsatisfied with your present, and you're still alone when you don't want to be. You could believe yourself to be the most intelligent, well-rounded, friendly, pleasant young man in the world, Dorian, but it's not about what you think you are, but rather, what you know you are. I know better than anyone the person you want to be, but I know that you always want to be more, because you couldn't be able to stand knowing that you're not as perfect as you make yourself out to be.

Do me a favor: for once, try to actually love yourself. Just fucking try."

With my mother, absolutely. She's been the member of my family that I've trusted the most in my life, and that was asserted to the maximum last week. There's not a thing that we couldn't talk about.

My father...well, let's just say that if he could is described as a "friend," who needs acquaintances with whom you awkwardly interact and feel obliged to talk to?