LOL @ this being asked about a week ago. I'm going to combine the two Writer's Blocks that stood out to me the most into one entry. Anyway, I can barely stand my current job. I'm just a cashier in a retail grocery, and I could have it far worse, I know, but coping with the same idiotic and rude types of people all the time gets very tiring. I know I don't live in Hick Central, but sometimes it seems that way. Most of the people who cross through my doors are so damn trashy and unintelligent. It's always the same damn thing. "Oh, you've been waiting for me!? Hahaha!" I'm sick of the same lines, the same old men with giant guts and suspenders being used with T-shirts purchasing millions of cans of soda. Soda is bought a million times more than a book, and seeing that sold is rare. I step inside of my job and put up the front that I'm really happy to be there, and it works unbelievably well the the customers - hell, I'm the most well-received person in the front end. I get the best and the most positive comments, but I'm not appreciated by the managers there. They really don't care for me, and there's barely rapport with them. Every single day, I get more cynical because of how unbelievably primitive and rude people are, but I can't talk back to them. I'm good at hiding things, and I'm quite the actor, so I work well with what I have. I could say so much more, believe me, but I'm just not in the mood. All I know is that I've never hated a company more than the one I work for, and I'm not sure I will in the future either. I'm sick of being in a place I know I don't belong in. I would quit, but I have bills to pay. I would find another job, but I have to do that after my vacation, so that I have even more experience, and more money. I'm hoping to go into clothing next, and I would die if I could work at a bookstore (Borders, please!).

All I know is that I'm going to try to never get a job where I have to hear "Paper and plastic."



China III. It's a Chinese restaurant that's right next to my store. I go there every Wednesday with soldier_of_zaft, and frostbittenx or blackheart_dove whenever they're able to hop around. I order one thing: small chicken fried rice, without onions. It's customary, and I sometimes cheat my oh-so healthy diet by visiting the place more than once a week. It's a family store, and they are such hard workers, and I really do love seeing them. The young guy at the front is pretty cool with me, and I think what may be his girlfriend or sister is SO UNBELIEVABLY FUCKING ADORABLE! I just want to have a little version of her in my pocket! <3 She's SO cute. I never leave the place without saying goodbye, or telling them to have a nice day. I won't get hefty either; I always work those calories off, or limit my diet if I've eaten their [amazing] chicken fried rice. I love them SO much. Before I go off to transfer to [most likely] IUP, I'm going to go over there and thank them for their business and their amazing food. They're so lovely.

That is all.

The problem with me is that I don't look for guidance. I usually rely on myself, because I believe in my first instinct, and learning from it if it was wrong. That usually creates stress (like I've undergone recently about the whole college class-drop affair), but things usually turn positive after a while. If not, I just work my way up again. There's always a way to circumvent any problem, I believe.

I just don't look for any help doing it. I almost don't know how to.

Firstly, I'm so hurt right now, LJ. I suggested a question like this! Bawwwwwww. I suppose someone worded it a bit more articulately than I have. Oh, well. I actually didn't want to post this yesterday, because I gave my journal a little break from the longer entries I've been posting, but it stuck on my mind all day. I mean, to the point where I got up at midnight and decided to start writing in this nice little journal that was in my room, to create my answer for this! So, I will post it in a quoted format, because I was essentially writing an essay to my younger self.

"Stop being so goddamn insecure. You're a boy that's so unbelievably well-rounded, but because you can't bring yourself to connect with another person fully due to your paranoia and stupid fears, you'll find that you will never be happy. You may find yourself being content or satisfied, but is that what you really want? To be "okay," even when you know you're way beyond that?

You could change so much, trust me, but you need to relax and figure out how to harness what you know you have. Also, you should be more proactive. Learn to stick up for yourself, and stop being so afraid of controversy. You're going to have to face it way later on in your life. Stand up for what you believe in. Don't hesitate to take that risky step. Why were you so afraid to ask your parents for a measly $15 to join FBLA? Just because you accepted money from them the week before, and would feel too guilty and vulnerable if they helped you out? It's just $15, and you have no idea how much it would have helped your future. Don't be like me. Join those extra-curricular activities. Try out for tennis when you're a sophomore. Exercise every day, and don't tell yourself that just because you're thin, you can afford to eat more, because you'll just be starting that cycle of physical insecurity all over again. It's at this age where it matters.

Stop claiming passions, and don't be pretentious either. You have such an eye for hidden beauty, and such an artistic and beautiful vision, but let go of photography. That way, you won't be crushed by the realities that you're trying to avoid. It's a shameful life, your limited one, but did you think that you could really do anything if you set your mind to it? You fucking idiot. You're wasting that great mind of yours by doing what you want to do. You know this world has generally never been the one to make you feel happy or comfortable, so you think that's going to change when you're older? Newsflash: it's not.

You spend so much time learning pointless things, and you know you won't be able to feel achieved as a person. Ever. Something will always be missing: a special guy, a friend who shares the same feelings of aspiration and worry that you do to the fullest extent, or the drive you've been looking for all your life, the one that will be everlasting.

I can't believe, that even today, you value yourself in a way that you don't allow others to, and then get bitter when they don't. You could have the greatest mind in a room, the highest level of intuition, the best artistic vision, or the most reason and warmth, but what do you really have to show for it at the end of the day? You go to bed every night and make up a future for yourself, because you're unsatisfied with your present, and you're still alone when you don't want to be. You could believe yourself to be the most intelligent, well-rounded, friendly, pleasant young man in the world, Dorian, but it's not about what you think you are, but rather, what you know you are. I know better than anyone the person you want to be, but I know that you always want to be more, because you couldn't be able to stand knowing that you're not as perfect as you make yourself out to be.

Do me a favor: for once, try to actually love yourself. Just fucking try."

With my mother, absolutely. She's been the member of my family that I've trusted the most in my life, and that was asserted to the maximum last week. There's not a thing that we couldn't talk about.

My father...well, let's just say that if he could is described as a "friend," who needs acquaintances with whom you awkwardly interact and feel obliged to talk to?

LJ, why do you know what I'm feeling, and then put it in the form of an articulate question on the Writer's Block every time? You're a wonder.

Anyway, from the moment I graduated high school and stayed home for most of the day, waiting for my afternoon shift, I've been beating myself up over how I truly could have shone in my academics. Why did I spend so much time going on websites that I barely even visit anymore instead of enhancing my knowledge in whatever field I wanted to take part in? Why was I so afraid of asking my parents for $15 to join the FBLA, which could have helped my credentials, experience, and future so much more? Why didn't I participate in school-based competitions where I could have excelled if I really tried, like Scholastic Scrimmage? Why wasn't I active? Now I may not even be attending college this semester if my financial aid doesn't go through (my mother may not allow me to do so), and I'll be standing here, when the future is now, wondering why I didn't take part in some sort of pre-collegiate program that could have propelled me to where I really belong. I'm capable of doing so much, but I also was capable of doing so much more.

I've wasted so much time, and studying out of high school is really going to change that. I make that vow to myself.

Seen? This:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgBh5_zxCBo&feature=related

Sorry, embedding is disabled on that video.

Done?

Probably buying my laptop or stalking finding out so much more about Anderson Cooper by obsessively trying to see every video he's ever been in tuning in and enlightening myself.

Awesome question, and it reminds me to note something down that I forgot to put in the last entry, but will leave here.

1. Australia. I want to see my friends Loppi and Malik! We'd have so much fun, that I wouldn't be able to measure it. I speak to her on Skype now (thank you, Kirchek, for having a built-in microphone!), as well as with Malik (but not as much as Loppi), and it's such a blast whenever we get to speak. I'd also like to see if I could find any of the Australia's Next Top Model alumni.

2. Dominican Republic. It's about time I visit my home country again, because the last time I was there was almost five years ago. It's got the most beautiful beaches, but I hate the fact that there's stray dogs everywhere. My grandparents' old neighborhood (they immigrated over here to the U.S. a couple of years ago) had this one dog with only three legs, and I don't think anyone was taking care of it. In the Christmas party we had, there was a lonely dog on the street at night, and I decided to feed it some bread and chicken, and then it followed me around for a good bit! It was one of the cutest interactions I've had to date. I still think about that dog sometimes, and wanted so desperately to just hide it on a plane and bring it home to raise. <3

The thing that I forgot to put down was that I may be going there with my father and brother in January, or with my grandmother. My mom's going with my sister next month for her business-related affairs, and I'm not sure if Junior's going. It won't be fair at all if he can't go and we all do. I'd even go with him myself to prevent that.

3. Spain. Although I haven't been thinking about it as much, I'm hoping that I could be able to live there for the rest of my life by the time I'm 30 or 40. Everything there just fits for me: generally mellow people, legalization of gay marriage, lack of religious zealotry, a constitutional monarchy (which I've always wanted to live under), a beautiful setting, and I could go on and on. It's such a beautiful country.

4. Africa. I'll make two trips, one with Kay to photograph everything, and one with Kofo. That way, we can go over to Nigeria and party, and then go and troll the living shit out of Ghana. I see a good future for us.

5. Canada's pretty cool (and cold...and close!). Maybe I should take a good trip there later on with friends. Hopefully it won't be too cold.

I think that's pretty much the plan. For now, of course. I wish I could just apparate anywhere I wanted to. D:[/Diagon Alley]

I'm going to be sitting in an office in New York, busy with calls from clients who want to hire my models, because they're just oh-so exclusive and expensive. Future supermodels will walk through my doors, asking me to sign them, and my day will revolve around marketable people whose faces will appear on reputable ads and campaigns.

I will be making supermodels, and it'll all be a day's work in my life.

/dream

Oh, and I'll have a good hubby waiting for me, either in the building of my (or a, since just working for a modeling management agency would be a huge accomplishment for me) company, or at home. Then we'll occasionally plan trips around the world.

Yep. Life will be awesome.