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11 August 2020 @ 08:36 am

All recent entries are posted below this one.

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Almost all of my entries will be locked. Some of them, however, such as Writer's Blocks, memes, and the like that I don't mind people seeing, will be displayed publicly.  That being said, I don't mind releasing basic information about myself.

My name is Dorian.
I was born in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic and am currently living in A Town You've Never Heard Of, Pennsylvania.
I'm 23 years old.
My personality type is classified as INTJ by the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, and accurately so.
I love books to death and try to find the time to crack down on my ever-expanding to-read list.  History/non-fiction ones tend to excite me the most.
I tend to write comments half as long as entries on other people's journals. I'm attentive and have a lot to say.

What you'll find here are my innermost thoughts. You're more than welcome to get to know me better if you think we could get along, but please leave a comment and show me that you're not some bot or stalker who found my LJ.

Thanks for reading, and I encourage you to try to befriend me. New friends are always great.
08 February 2013 @ 06:08 pm
The happiest and healthiest life is the most multifaceted. That's what I've always believed, even if I revere more than anyone those who specialize in a certain body of thought or field and have the ultimate scholarship and expertise in their area. I was driving my sister to school yesterday morning during an introspective attack, and I guess now that I'm well again (yay!), my mind is in hyperactive mode and needs to be calmed down so that it can actually focus more on studying and less on thinking about all the possibilities in the future. I annoy myself with how much I delve into it, so it must get tiring to read all the manifestations of my never-ending introspection.

It just feels like there are too many facets of this world to explore for me to simply become complacent doing one thing. I have my goal set and, as far as I know, it's sticking, but I can't be anywhere outside of class without questioning whether or not I'll be happy in the future. I don't know why I feel so rushed, either... there's so much to take in. There's an immense amount of reading to do in history, needless to say, as well as writing, so I need to calm it down and absorb instead of evoke so many situations. Lately, some of the subjects and fields I've always had a deep appreciation for have been calling for me again, such as political science and economics... and I think about how I'd have more of a direct type involvement with those fields instead of just doing research that will end up being revised and shelved with everyone else's findings, but the careers of each just aren't for me. I love, love, love discussing political and economic theory and material beyond the fundamentals of each, but I don't want to become a lawyer, broker, statistician, financial analyst, etc. And studying much of history pretty much encompasses both, so I guess I chose the winner's route in my head. I just don't want to feel like I missed out on so much that I would have loved and contributed to for something in which I could end up being mediocre. I get apprehensive thinking about how much research could impact my livelihood in the future, and my writing skills academically never felt up to par; I feel like I write better here, but it's not like this matters for those who want to employ me or be my colleagues. The only solution I have in my head is to get over it and and start reading, interpreting, and writing until those are practically the only verbs I can correctly execute anymore.

I was also starting to deeply regret changing my broadcasting concentration to a speech communication concentration for my mass communications major, but it seems that the administration never actually made the switch, so I have nothing to really worry about. What made me switch was the thought that speech communication would be a great supplement to a future professor, but advantageous as it could be, I feel like I'm not doing myself much justice as a double-major and picking up a true back-up plan for all the debt I'll have to generate in the future. My speaking skills already thankfully impress, but I know they pale in comparison to how I can write, and obviously, I'm not entirely confident in that either. I'm just afraid of not being distinct and respectable, and so I go into this deep-thought funk about how I can fix that before it's too late, and I realize that a certificate or degree for my speech won't do much, so I'm not going to go for that.

The other reason I switched the concentration at the end of last semester was because, as someone who changed from business administration to mass communications, with most classes not exactly correlating, I felt like I was being dumped with a lot of radio bias because of my professor who manages the college's station instead of exploring all the mediums first. He's incredible and I only hope I can make it to the same level of expertise and experience as him in my future academic career, so he's not the problem, but instead the atmosphere I feel when I'm around people who are in the broadcasting track and involved in the college's radio station. There's also a problem regarding my activity with the station, and that's my personal setback of saying I'm going to do something, but chickening out a lot. This is a big issue when it comes to something that involves a lot of people, not just myself. It even trickles down to individual promises; if I have a lot of time to get to it, I will most likely use all of it before fulfilling what someone else wants. That's the only time I don't rush, sadly. If it contains a large group, I feel less motivated to act unless I'm the leader and I know more than everyone else. The only school clubs I've been involved in have consisted of me saying I'd get to something, then be half-assed or even cop out, and it's shameful. The reason I've been that way is because they've all been recreational and nothing significant, but I don't want that to be indicative of behavior for real projects in the future nor representative of me not being able to keep my word and be accountable. I'm too stuck in my own mind and motives. I could write a novel about this issue, and I practically have with all these entries in which I've questioned myself, but it has to get to a point where it's just enough. Where I act. Where I'm happy. Where I don't feel like I'm missing out and don't have to feel like I need full control.

Along with the radio bias, I got an opportunity to sit in front of a staff meeting for a pretty well-known and high-audience radio station around the region. It was very awkward and unprofessional, since they had to pretend that there wasn't a small auditorium of people listening to them go about their operations, but did so in all the wrong ways. They weren't speaking into the microphone most of the time, they didn't seem very astute, one of them was shamelessly texting and chewing gum in front of us while the rest of the panel was laughing about how he does it in all the meetings, and it was way too laid back for my liking. I don't even listen to the radio stations around here very often, as they honestly consists of very ordinary people talking about the most asinine topics and not expressing themselves very well. I learn nothing and just wait for music to play. I think all of this frustration would go away if I didn't live in a place that was so fucking quiet and full of people who just don't seem to move at a mobile pace like I want to. I clearly wasn't an adult back then and didn't have all these worries, but had I been able to stay in New York, I don't think I would have developed into this neurotic person whom I feel I am. I'd feel like everything was at my disposal and that all of my actions wouldn't just be time fillers, such as driving to my job of the routine assets protection for five hours each shift, four days a week. I wouldn't have to sit in class with material that I'm interested in but that almost no one else seems to care about, thus making me virtually (or sometimes actually) the only person in the class participating. I know I'm privileged to live in a nice house now (despite all the problems that just having moved here caused and still causes), have my own car, go to a university, etc., but just having those is not what should make someone happy, so I resent when people feel that one should act complacent just by virtue of having these standard parts of life in an industrialized society. No. I won't live here forever, I won't continue having most of my days in silence out of lack of enthusiasm for anything being discussed, and I won't feel like I'm not enough in whatever I take part in.

Journalism keeps coming back to me too, which is why I'm sticking with broadcasting. I'll be taking television classes in due time, though I fear that if I decide to go into journalism instead of academia, I'd either become a writer for a struggling online publication or one of those annoying-as-all-motherfucking-Hell morning show anchors who smiles at everything, says a sentence or two about sad news, and then gives about five minutes of attention to a story about some animal that can do a cool trick. There's always radio, too, but you'd have to have something always on hand instead of reading from a teleprompter. College radio isn't usually that serious, though. Most people do music shows because it's easiest, and I'll probably start with the same format just to get used to the radio setting, then alternate it at any time I choose to. Too many options, really...

This is basically a list that could grow as long as it needs to that touches on what I want in a life that would give me some sense of fulfillment:

-Mastery of the languages I know (Spanish and English) in written and oral form. I fare well with both, I think, especially in comparison to a vast amount of people in my demographic, but not enough for my own standards.

-At least relative financial security. Striving to be a professor is pretty much aiming for middle class at the very most, and I don't mind that. I would prefer comfort over luxury when it comes to assets, especially if what I have won't take from what I do and love.

-An emotionally sound life without children, preferably with someone whom I'd know as the love of my life. This one's hard for me to admit, because as self-sufficient as I've made myself and am proud to be, I know how much I want motivation and exclusive love from someone who'd be there for me for many years. And I'm not trying to offend the cool LJ moms who are friends with me by barring children, but I swear that as I spend every day inside and outside of my house, I can't deal with the thought of having lifelong dependents. My little brother and sister are the closest I'll come to having children, in a great sense, as I've spent a lot of time educating them and helping them develop, and that's more than enough for me.

-A name in my career. As it looks right now, it will have to be through prowess in teaching (university), speech (conferences), and writing (research).

-Dynamic work experience. Being only 21 and having worked since I was 16, I've only had experience in retail as a cashier, an electronics employee, an assets protection specialist (my current job at the time of this entry's submission), and a houseman in hospitality. Not exactly what I'm putting in my future CV, but being in each position has shown me a lot, and before I go off to possibly be in school for the rest of my life, I want some more fields to test. I will pretty much have to get a second job once the weather becomes nicer again anyway, since my hours are set at 20 and can't really increase unless undesirable events for someone else happen. Don't really want to go into meaningless part-time work affairs here.

-Some sort of community involvement, which also helps me become more extroverted and speak to more people who aren't like me. I mentioned the Monroe County Historical Association before, but I hadn't gotten an e-mail from them and I think I'll visit them next week and talk... it's just that with all the studying and reading I have to do this semester, I have to use my free time to keep up.

And speaking of, with the fact that I finally got all of this out of my mind, I really should get to that. As is the case most of the time anymore, this entry was more for my reflection. I appreciate you reading all of this if you did, but as it should be 100% of the time, there is no obligation to comment. I'm only saying that because I feel like I've written these types of entry too many times now. It's my own journal and this is clearly what it's for, but maybe it's just the fact that I'm getting sick of feeling this way that makes me feel sick of documenting that.

Time to go. Here's a beautiful song that encapsulates how I'm feeling.

08 January 2013 @ 12:10 pm

It just deserves its own post. I barely know what to say.

I say this with a half-joking tone: the quality of my happiness hasn't been the same since I stopped playing Pokemon two years ago. Some of you share the same sentiment with me when I say that Pokemon is a little bit more than a subculture or childhood fandom. I mean, I used to spend whole summers training teams, EV Training, finding out about all the mechanics of the game (people who think it's for children really have no idea what they're talking about), posting on Pokemon forums and communities, etc.

And it's weird, because I knew that I would never leave the fandom, but for the past two years, I haven't even tried to keep up. It was because around the time that Black and White came out, I wasn't doing too wonderfully in school and didn't want to be distracted. It helped a lot, but I constantly feel like I'm supposed to be doing something that I love with my free time that doesn't require exercise (which I already do) and reading (which I'm not doing enough of).

I won't get Black or White (or Black 2/White 2... what the hell), but Pokemon Y, absolutely. Reasons being because I see Gen V as filler and also because they have done no justice to my Poison-types. I feel like a Fire-type fan during Gen IV (except they got Magmortar, and that compensates much more than they give it credit for). Please, please, please, please give us a Poison-type Legendary. Not that I used Legendaries, but FFS, we have Bug-type Legendaries now and way too many Psychic ones. I just want redemption.

Nothing will surpass Drapion, though. And I know one of you is well on his way to typing some serious shade already. You've been dragged several times this week. KEEP IT CUTE.

Time to save up for a 3DS XL and this game. My grades and finances for Fall 2013 are DONE.

Also, it's so weird writing out "Pokemon" because I feel guilty for not respecting its true spelling like I do anything that has an accent... but it's the fault of Spanish, because writing it as "Pokémon" sounds so Jamaican in my head ("POHK EH [emphasis] MON"), and if I were to give it any respect with an accent, I'd just write it as Pókemon, as it's aligned in pronounciation with my Spanish tongue and the English and Spanish way of saying it, but that wouldn't really fly, so I go with the boring, anglicized version. I should just write out PKMN, it looks so much more fandom-esque. /out-of-the-blue bilingual problems
01 August 2012 @ 01:36 am
I used to sleep at around 10:00 P.M. when I was younger, but ever since moving to this house a few years ago, I habitually can't sleep until 1-2 A.M., and of course, listening to music or watching porn browsing the Internet until I get tired have usually been the ingredients to doze me off. I don't read as much anymore, mainly because my interest in a lot of books has just waned lately. There are some specific ones I'll be getting soon, so that'll be changed.

Anyway, for some reason, I can't go one night without listening to one, two, or all three artists in the Holy Trinity of my iTouch: Carla Morrison, Ximena Sariñana, and Alex Ferreira. Night time is so quiet and is the only time I can truly be as introspective as my nature calls for me to be, so I listen to the music that speaks to me the most, the type that soothes me when everything gets so overwhelming (this is the reason I can't sleep so early anymore) and that makes me feel... like I know no words and like I don't have to think anymore. The three of them provide that for me.

Some songs by them.Collapse )

It seriously makes my day when I remember that they're all friends. Ximena and Carla are both Mexican artists, and they don't have a song together, but they're relatively close, and Carla was featured in one of Ximena's music videos. As you can see by the last song posted, Ximena and Alex worked together on a song for his LP, and I hope that won't be the only one. And about two months ago, Carla tweeted Alex about how much she loves his music. And speaking of, I'm so excited for September, when his actual full-on album, El Afán, will come out. Un Domingo Cualquiera is really good and has enough songs to pass as a full album (13), but it's known as an LP. I don't even know...

I don't know why I get so happy thinking about them being so well-acquainted. I guess this is how people get with Madonna and Britney, Gaga and Lana, Whitney and Michael, etc. I feel like I actually know these young artists through their songs because their songs seem to know me. I feel like a new student who found the lunch table he desperately wants to sit in, but is too shy to approach, lol.

I've never gone to a concert that wasn't my brother's crappy garage band, but I definitely want to go to a show of at least one of the three people listed here. I'm so glad they're young and really invested in their music, and I'm in love with their personalities in interviews, too. Ximena is pretty solemn and very serious about her music and being in entertainment. Alex is such a Dominican, it kills me. He's very comedic, and I'm attracted to him. Carla is the cutest: her singing voice is like a child's, and she's very intelligent, positive, and punk rock meets Hello Kitty. Any single song of hers can lift my mood, no matter how terrible of a day I'm having.

Ximena's music makes me delve into my deepest thoughts, Alex' makes me feel free, and Carla's soothes the hell out of me.

I swear I feel more connected to these people than I do to almost anyone I know in real life. I want to be their friend so bad, it's ridiculous...
12 February 2012 @ 10:59 am
What song is stuck in your head?

14 November 2011 @ 06:32 pm
My brother totaled my car this morning. It was 5:55 A.M. and I woke up to my mom freaking out over the phone, I heard "arbol" and "acidente," and thought my dad was in an accident... then saw that my dad was inside the house, getting ready. I rushed out with him.

Thankfully it was in my neighborhood, a minute-or-so drive from my house. He hit a tree; he was apparently accelerating (for whatever reason), and the steering wheel... locked? That's what he says. I don't know how the hell that happened, but yeah... my car is no more. It was FUCKED. UP. The front tire was shot (there goes the $300 I spent on the tires), so we had to physically push the car off the road and put it to the side. It's back on the driveway now, since my dad changed the tire and was able to drive it back.

My brother's thankfully fine. He went to the hospital with my mom, and I broke down after I called them to check up on how they were. Family and hospital... don't mix them, or I will lose the control I try my hardest to uphold. But before that, I talked to Jacob and talked about it, how this weekend was more than likely not gonna happen, started crying over the phone (which I NEVER do, much less cry to anyone who's not family).

Everything's fine now. My brother's more than okay, and my grandfather is going to let me borrow his car, so I'm going to see Jacob after all. Oh, and I drove the highway twice this week: it's been so easy so far. My parents are apparently going to buy me a new car; my mom will put it on her credit card, and I'll just have to pay her, I'm sure. I'm more than okay with it. It sucks how much I invested in that car, though, and how I became broke because of it... then this happens. But that's not important at the moment.

My parents weren't mad at all, naturally, since their son could have been gone. I felt nothing for hours because everything was coming at once. I could have lost my brother and my best friend. That's the thought that ran through my mind when I started asking how he was over the phone, thus losing it. He was pretty shook up when I ran to him this morning, and when I hugged him, he started crying a little bit. I've always been extremely close with all my siblings... I would sacrifice myself for them without question, and I'm admittedly not a completely selfless person. I love them so much. Same with my parents, no matter how we get along.

I always use this icon for negative entries.
13 November 2011 @ 09:08 am
Do you prefer fiction or non-fiction? Explain why.

Overall, non-fiction. I love memoirs, sociological books (mainly those that look into advertising, branding, marketing, consumer culture), and any book that informs and opens up a new perspective after reading it. It's actually kind of a seasonal thing, I've realized... in the summer, I enjoy non-fiction more. I like to learn on my own time, and with topics that interest me and are related to what I'd like to do in the future. When school goes on, however, I read a lot more fiction. Perhaps it's a form of escapism, discovering and focusing on some fictional character's life and point of view instead of having to worry about how busy I am. It's why reading Harry Potter in the summer just isn't the same for me as reading it in the winter.
Current Music: Shakira - Ojos Así | Powered by Last.fm
23 October 2011 @ 10:28 pm
I don't hide myself for a single person, no matter who you are.

Let that shit be known.
22 October 2011 @ 10:25 pm
What was/is your favorite class?

This is a difficult question. It's a multi-tie (that sounds funny) between a few classes: French II in 10th grade, 20th Century American History in 10th grade, Modern World History in 11th, Speech Communication in my first semester of college, or World Geography in my fall 2010 semester.

French II had my favorite teacher, Mrs. Verwey. I actually just saw her today at Target, and I remember sitting with her for an hour outside of school, just talking. And several other occasions. I wrote her a card filled on BOTH sides on the last day of my senior year, explaining how much I appreciated her, loved her, etc. She was probably my first female teacher crush, lmao.

20th Century American History was perfect. Mr. Frounfelker makes me smile so much, he was the most adorable thing. And his laugh, I'm laughing just thinking about it. He was extremely down-to-earth and so fun to talk to. I bit him in the shoulder one morning, for whatever reason possesed the hell out of me at that time, and he kind of laughed about it. I mean, I actually BIT HIM IN THE SHOULDER. I THINK IT WAS A DARE OR SOMETHING, IDEFK OR REMEMBER.

Modern World History was one of my favorites too. Mrs. Hubler was so pretty, but got pregnant... all of the teachers who've gotten pregnant are the ones that everyone hates but I love/get along with best, I've just realized. But yeah, learning about medieval history, going on a field trip to a medieval times center (where we got really good free food, were able to hang out with friends, saw real swords and medieval antiques, and saw a bunch of hot guys fighting, YES), the Enlightenment, the Renaissance, etc... it was all so nice. I enjoyed it a lot. Then we started to talk about Europeans coming in and taking everyone's land, as usual. Boring and annoying.

Speech Communication! John Tindell is one of the best professors in the world, hands-down. Extremely friendly guy, wonderful Film Society advisor, and makes the class the most enjoyable and enlightening thing you'll have in your semester, period. Not to mention that my class was legitimately perfect, from being with frostbittenx and chibi_cheetah to slaying the hell out of the presentations and being an attention-gathering student in the class, I loved it. Oh, and my first HUGE college crush was there. Sigh, that went down flat... but J.P. is so charming. *reminisces dreamily*

World Geography, a night class (which I love). Professor Wendt is the most male-model-looking professor I've ever had, and one of the most intelligent too. He's the leanest, skinniest man I've seen with these nice blue eyes, high cheekbones, and scholarly look which counteracted his dark humor (which I also loved). He was born in California, lived in India for four years (I always enjoyed the hell out of his stories), The Netherlands for two, and moved to hinky-dink Stroudsburg to be with his wife. His entire life is just as intriguing as his class. I was the most participative and the most awake in that class, and he and I really connected very well in a student-teacher way. Of course, I was fixated with him, LOL, but it was controlled. I see him at Target every once in a while, and we're good acquaintances. I remember how I saw him before I left on my last day of the Spring 2010 semester (which I thought would be my last at NCC), and he stopped me and talked to me about how much he enjoyed my input, how it was a real pleasure knowing me, etc. Basically, I melted and smiled the entire car ride home. EEK. Oh, I've been talking about him and how we got along this entire paragraph... the class was engaging and I LOVE learning about the world. And you know once we got to the Latin American section (which he was actually was the least familiar with), me and the other few Hispanics in that room SLAYED.

I'm at work, I've been working all weekend and am a day ahead in my mental schedule. I thought yesterday was Saturday, and I'm in my Sunday chill mood... yet I've to work 9:30 to 3 at Target tomorrow (they've been cutting my hours like it's no one's business since September) and 3:30 - 9 here at Hampton. The past two days, it's been 11:30 - 4 and 4:15 - 11. I JUST WANNA RELAX A LITTLE BIT.

Ramble, ramble, ramble.
14 October 2011 @ 07:44 am
I'll be independent one day.